Tuesday, March 20, 2012

Zombie Teacher versus the Potty

Happy Hunger Games week everybody! 

Kids at school are reading like crazy, soaking up every word from the Capitol... lost somewhere in Panem. I caught myself using the same sheet of paper for my shopping list four different times, and thought, I might just make it in District 13!

While I would rather be at home reading the Hunger Games for the fifth time in the last two years, I did actually have to go back to school on Monday. And I must say, Trimester 3 is off to a rockin' start! So much is going on.

Between the Hunger Games Movie coming out at Midnight on Thursday, the debut of my soon to be new favorite show Touch (also on Thursday), and the finale of Project Runway All Stars (ALSO ON THURSDAY!!!), is there really any point to going to school at all on Friday?! Just kidding... there is no physical, possible way to miss a second of prep time during the first week of a new trimester.

You know when you're having a really busy week, when you look back on the last three days, and you can't remember the last time you went to the bathroom at school. Hence the lovely Dinosaur vs. the Potty book picture. You should totally click it and buy a copy for your little ones. The story is hilarious, and it gets the message across that you don't HAVE to play up until the very last second before you wet your pants. Not that we, as teachers, are anyone to talk. I've gone days on end, having to pee before school starts at 8, and not getting to the bathroom until the bell rings at 3. Can we say, super bladder?

I hate to get all gritty and gruesome, but all y'all teachers out there know exaaaaaaactly what I'm talking about. Three-minute passing times, meetings before school, 5 cups of coffee, 75-minute long classes, random copies needed right before the bell, emails to check, lockers to unjam... we're lucky if we can spare a second to take a deep breath, let alone hobbling who knows how long down the hall to the nearest restroom.

And... quick question... do you have to use the student bathroom? I am SO lucky to have a private locking handicap access/teacher bathroom within a stones skip of my commons area. The downstairs teachers are close enough to the office to use those precious two private bathrooms. But we all need our moments of privacy; and you have to admit, sometimes it's just flat-out embarrassing to be tinkling (or worse) in a stall next to one of your students. It must be mortifying for the students too! And it's GROSS.

I teach in a middle school with grades 5-8. You'd think that by fifth grade, kids should know how to flush the potty. But seriously, even in the girls' bathrooms, I regularly find a whole rainbow of colors of things that have NOT been flushed in said toilets. Add to that the makeup and paper towels coating the sinks and counters, and random boys' names scratched into the door frames, and I thank my lucky stars that the custodians in my building are such caring, patient people. 

What must the BOYS' bathrooms be like? Do teachers actually go into these male teenager dens of fecal nastiness to check on things? Or dare to actually use them? Because, let me tell you, I worked at McDonald's in high school, and I had to clean BOTH the Mens' and the Womens' bathrooms each night at closing time, and that was NAS-TAY!!!! The greasy food smell covered up the worst of the bathroom odors, but there is no covering that in a middle school restroom. EWWWWW. 

I know I've threatened the boys from the door way before, "If you guys don't quit horsing around in there and get back to class, I'm comin' in after you!!!"... but they must know, deep down, that my threats are totally empty. I wouldn't set foot in the boys' bathroom with a ten-foot pole, without a $100 dollar bill hanging from the ceiling.

While sitting in my private teacher bathroom this morning, admiring the random funny wall art some nice soul keeps hanging up, I thought to myself, there has got to be some funny school bathroom humor on the net that would make all the other Zombie teachers out there go tee-hee on this rainy, gray Tuesday. And sure enough, there was. So enjoy!

1. This was posted in our private bathroom for most of the fall. I did a double-take the first time I read it, and figured someone else out there might want to post it for a laugh.

Leave it to teachers to find a way to laugh in the bathroom. 

We also have a Walter the Farting Dog poster, which is not only a great book, but also very pretty to look at. If you can get past the trail of gas shooting out of his hind-quarters long enough to appreciate the beautiful pastels.

2. For the messy stinkers... this one will get your message through loud and clear ;)

Click the picture to go to several more funny signs that are not nearly as appropriate to post on a teaching blog...

3. Maybe you are in the same boat as I am, with randomly finding the seat left up in your teacher/work place bathroom. I found the perfect sign you can hang up! Click the picture to see the blog it originated from. The blogger complained about the sign, and I gave him my own two cents in a rebuttal.

I shudder to think how often women fall into toilets because of unthinking men, and how infrequently we report it because it's just too embarrassing.

OK, enough bathroom humor for one day. 

Zombie Out.


  1. I laughed out loud reading your post! I teach in a 1-6elementary school so I face both ends of the bathroom spectrum...yes, I share a bathroom with students! With my sixth graders it is so awkward sitting in the next stall. The first graders have no such embarrassment! They talk from the next stall a mile a minute! And my male coworker has tins of funny stories from the urinals! It is little things like bathrooms that no one else but a teacher understand! Thanks for the laughs!

    1. Haha I can totally relate. I hate to be crude, but sometimes you (or the students) just can't control yourself and you let out some sort of "human sound" from your nether regions. And you are mortified for life. What is it about American culture (or is it just us?) that we get so embarrassed by bathroom antics!??! Have a good one ;)

  2. I'm in a "school within a school" and the only teacher bathroom is in the high school end of the building, so I can totally relate! Thanks for the laugh!